Where were you?

Like Lynn in her recent post, I have very mixed feelings surrounding what happened on 9/11 and what it means. I now know why everyone who can remember Kennedy's assisination remember it in terms of where they were and what they were doing at the time -- it's a way to connect to the tragedy.

So, here's my story. Please share yours.

I was in my living room in Merrimack, NH with Jacob who was four months old at the time. I was still on maternity leave but working at home. I immediately called my online editor at the Telegraph and told him there was a really bad accident, that a plane had hit the World Trade Center in New York. I think he was near a television in a newsroom, but I'm not sure. He might have gone online himself to get updates, possibly from the Associated Press.

I stayed on the phone with him to help plan our online coverage. I was holding Jacob and rocking back and forth in front of the television. I saw the second plane hit the South Tower at 9:03 a.m. I was in awe.

Before the second plane hit, I was still thinking the first plane crash was an accident. But, then the second plane hit and I knew it was no accident. I started to cry, standing there, holding my first born child wondering who the hell would do this? Who would intentionally kill innocent people?

I stayed on the phone with Ernesto, the online editor, for a while longer and then I called Linda. I think we talked about whether or not we knew anyone working at the World Trade Center and then how horrible the attack was and what it means to us. I also called our Manchester offices and told the receptionist. She turned on the television in the conference room and everyone gathered there to watch CNN.

In the days following the attack, I monitored our online coverage and helped when I could. I was a new mother. My country was attacked. I was pissed. I was sad. I was scared for my family.

It makes me even angrier when I think about all the time wasted pointing fingers and not making us safer. We are a country afraid to stand up for ourselves less we offend those who hate us. Our politics stand in the way, ironically, of our freedom.

What a waste. The terrorists won in many ways, not just by the mass killing of innocent people. They won by using our ideology against us. They knew we'd be gridlocked and not able to move foward. They knew the political parties would act they way they did. In many ways, the terrorists are smarter than we are. They are lucky to all believe in one thing. Our varied beliefs, which is what democracy supports, are what imprison us and make it impossible to defend effectively.

So, that day changed a lot of things for me. It made me far more conservative than I had been and even more patriotic. I don't want my sons fighting this war. I want it to be over. What's really horrifying is that our enemies are unknown, they don't wear uniforms, they don't represent any country. I think bin Laden said this: "The difference between us and the West is the West loves life and we love death." How do we fight that ideology?