Health care proxys, wills, wishes and scattered thoughts?

I'm spending some time today researching, investigating, and soul-searching, in the event that either Chris or I were incapacitated, or (God-forbid) killed.

The idea of having to make those choices and have the wisdom and foresight to project that I can fully grasp the enormity exhausts me before I even begin. All seems so "unnecessary" to complete today, doesn't it? Not everyone has "tomorrow" to get it done and signed. Do I? Does Chris? Probably... but... I won't always, and the day before isn't flagged with a black dot on the calendar I am using, so alas it would be wise to plan like it's sooner rather than later, and hope to be over-zealous and re-do it every few years.

Part of me feels this is a deeply (almost as deep as it gets) personal, private, difficult thing. Another part rationalizes why it's pretty cut and dry...I think I already HAVE most of the opinions which I would choose to put in a formal and direct way to assure that the things I hold very valuable and are as much the "fingerprint" of my core as my fingerprint is to my body. Why would I hesitate then? I know I will die, someday, when it's time...that doesn't freak me out in the slightest.

Almost contradicting this, however, is a strange desire to do some of this "with" other people. To sit and learn about it, open up and discuss opinions that may contradict what I *think* I would want, or believe, so as to assure myself that they ARE in fact my beliefs, when I hear the "other side", and determine that I still am unwavering - or better yet, possibly re-educated and hear the potential flaws that I might have missed in my current thinking. As in, "Hhmmm... damn...hadn't thought of it that way". I also feel like tackling some of it with others who are thinking aloud too, and don't judge me, but respect me as I do them would make the job less difficult, and more "normal". (That's a reach still, but it SHOULD be) I think I understand reality pretty well. I think I have a good grasp that while this may be extremely preliminary in the actual outcome, it's better to have than not. I'll also feel wiser and better prepared, and relaxed once I have gotten it done and filed it away for ten years from now, when Maddie is an adult (23, gasp, I had BRYAN at 23).

Maddie and I discussed alot of this today. The "how"s and "why"s you should make your wishes known. Why understanding that we are mortal isn't a bad thing. That it is important for her to have her own fingerprint, separate, but linked with Chris' and mine. She's never thought about her wishes, but I had no idea her first thoughts would be so intelligent, provoking, and more-over that her questions encouraged me to evaluate how much I really feel I know, vs how much I guess I have to learn. She wanted to know if a "Do Not Recussitate" would still be used if you had a heart attack rather than something terminal, or an irreversible state. We looked online (yeah, we Google'd it) and learned alot. A lot of it I knew, but couldn't explain well. We talked about Terri Schaivo and the unanimous heartache that everyone involved went through. WHY her husband may have made the choices he fought for, and why he was accused of having ulterior motives, and why her parents would want to prolong that for her, or why they felt they were justified in doing what they did in trying to save Terri, until God chose to bring her back with him. It was really cool. And deep. And kinda silly, just to keep us sane...after all, laughing feels SO good and we are still alive ;o)

She said she only wanted me to tell her if I wanted to be cremated. The idea "freaks her out big-time", so we talked about it. It isn't what I want, so that helped but I also wanted her to feel more "at-ease" for when the time comes that someone she is close to IS cremated. It's all very personal, and there are no wrong answers....but better yet, we know there are no wrong QUESTIONS. Great lesson.

I told her I'd like to be buried. I told her I would prefer to be buried with things that are valuable to my soul, and definately not with things that are valuable to my heirs (um, my husband and my lil'babies), such as my wedding rings, and my grandmothers ring that she got for graduation from HS, that I got when I graduated. Those are my earthly treasures. And should remain so. All I want to bring into the ground with me are my spiritual treasures, and all the love I have given and received, and the symbols of those. I was glad we had that talk as well...was really cool. I guess it's time to do the dirty work of making it formal and complete, so that I can go about my LIVING with a more relaxed and peaceful feeling. Actually, I'll do it after the kids go to bed...I'm going to go outside to play first. We can put on too much makeup and throw a football around. It's sunny. And I'm here.

Only thing remianing is....is it POSSIBLE that "spiritual treasures" can argue over which shade of green the grass is in the side yard??